A new obsession and the powerful fear of failure

I've really done it this time. Every so often, I throw myself into an insanely difficult challenge with almost no thought of the consequences of my actions. A year ago I was barely able to walk, brought down to earth and betrayed by a 48 year old spine, bent out of shape by years of slumping in front of desks and TVs with occasional bursts of lower body activity. By which I mean cycling, hiking, running of course. Unable to exercise for 5 months I compensated by eating and drinking with typical enthusiasm and became about as fat and unfit as I have even been. Something had to change so, as my back recovered, I eschewed alcohol for 100 days, dug my bike out of the shed and re-entered the battle to delay the decline into middle age.

Then something happened that often happens to men of my age. A dangerous new obsession. Obviously my wife is upset, and the children just don't understand and refuse to get involved. I, however, am like a man re-born. For years, I have allowed myself to drift, gradually making less and less effort but kidding myself my heart was still in it. I'm talking about Strava, the new sensation of the exercise world, which allows you to measure and analyse your rides in forensic detail. A pitiless and ever-present, all-seeing training companion that ignites the competitive tiger within.

Then another thing happened - my old cycling pal, Steve, got in touch to offer me a place on a ride from the Atlantic to the Med with a small group of like-minded bikers and a support crew. 4 days to do 750 kilometres. In old money, that's 117 miles each day - or London to Brighton and back each day for 4 days. Except it's not. 117 miles is quite easy really. The tough bit is that the route from Atlantic to Med is littered with mountains. Proper mountains that make up the 'Hors Categorie' of the Tour de France. Legendary giants of the Pyrenees, like Tourmalet, Aubisque, Marie Blanc. Mountains that have broken the world's best cyclists. We plan to climb 18 of these in the 4 days, climbing a total of 12,500m. To put that in perspective, Leith Hill is the highest point in the south east of England offers the keen cyclist a rise of 113m over 1.4km. So this ride is the equivalent of riding up Leith Hill 110 times in 4 days - or up Everest 1.5 times.

Now, if I were young, fit, light and a natural cyclist (big lungs, long legs) all I would have to do is train hard for this. As it is, the only real talent I have for this type of thing is (to borrow from the film Kick-Ass) an elevated capacity to take a beating. That and Strava.

I have trained quite hard for this. According to Strava, since December I have cycled 4,531km and climbed 42,199m. This through the most consistently miserable winter and spring in living memory and mostly alone. I now have thighs like a Turkish weight lifter and calf muscles with corners and am lighter than I have been since leaving school. There have been a few moments where I have questioned my own sanity; one Sunday as I lay curled on the floor trying to coax my frozen feet back to life at the end of a ride in the snow; each time I struggle up White Down, a nasty little hill that rises at an improbable gradient of up to 20% and seems to go on for ever; another as an energy and morale-sapping headwind whipped off the river Severn as I doggedly reached the end of a foray into Wales from Bristol.

So what was it that kept me going through all of this? Strava was always there, urging me on, reminding me that my fellow cyclists would be poring over my stats as I did theirs. Motivation comes from lots of different things I suppose, but my main motivation here has been the fear of failure. I have not yet failed to complete any of the silly adventures I have signed up to once started. I never got to the start line of the marathon due to injury, but otherwise I have always managed to struggle to complete the allotted distance. On this occasion, I think I have signed up for the biggest challenge yet and the very real fear of failure has stalked me for the last 6 months; prodding, teasing, cajoling and exhorting me to keep pushing, to keep riding and Strava has been my ever-present conscience, highlighting my successes and failures and feeding my obsession.

The ride happens at the end of June; we ride out from the west coast of France on Friday 28th June and plan to arrive on the sunny shores of the Med on Monday 1st July. I am not planning to write a weekly blog purporting to cover my weekly training as I did with the Trailwalker - I have left it a bit late for that as we are now into the 'tapering' phase of the training, but I do intend to write up each of the 4 days as we go.

I also intend to raise a little money for charity. That's not the primary purpose of the event, but it gives me another incentive to succeed and at least someone will benefit from this insanity.

Great Ormond Street Hospital doesn't need much introduction from me. We have all seen the life-affirming, heart-breaking TV shows, we know something of the ground-breaking research and the new treatments, but we perhaps forget how important a role we can play in making sure this work continues.

The charity needs to raise £50 million every year to help rebuild and refurbish Great Ormond Street Hospital, buy vital equipment and fund pioneering research and to provide world class care to very ill children and their families.

Talking of success. If the fear of failure has been my main motivator in training, my mind is now turning to question of how to talk myself into a state of mind that allows me to enjoy and succeed. That's not so easy, but I have some straws I am clutching at:

1) Most of my cycling has been solo. That's about 15-20% harder than cycling in a group, where you get help in others' slipstream as well as the psychological boost of being in a team
2) The sheer majesty of the surroundings will inspire me
3) er..that's it. This talking myself up is a work in progress

You can look at my efforts so far on Strava - and on the ride itself by following the link below and I'll post the link to the blog on Facebook etc.

James on Strava

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